Ithaca: A BLOCKBUSTER IN THE MAKING?
by Truelove and Truelove
Summary: If they ever tell my story... Odysseus, you sly old dog! Setting up for your own sequel, with Paris et al!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer 1: The opinions expressed in this fanfiction are in no way reflective of those of the Truelove and Truelove agency as a whole, but are merely those of one of its more deranged members. The agency will accept no responsibility for its treasurer's work.

Disclaimer: I don't own Troy. Actually, who does? I don't mean the film, I mean the place. I mean, if they find it, who owns it? I call dibs! Sorry for my puerile sense of humour. If you hate it, you may want to leave now. At speed.

This could have gone in the Odyssey section, but the characters are from the Troy movie so….here it is. The story of how the sequel to the brilliant (I'm choking on my own lies!) film came to be written, followed by the sequel itself.

£££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££££I'm rich!

Out of the darkness that enshrouded him, Number One began to speak "The time has come" - he paused, as if daring Numbers Two through Five to interrupt – "to make the sequel to Troy. You may remember that I cunningly ended the previous film with Boromir – sorry, Odysseus, I swear, they look the same though, plus Paris bears no small resemblance to Legolas, another character from the film we never speak of as it has done better than all our 'epics' put together – saying "If they ever tell my story." I am they, my friends, no matter that good grammar says otherwise, and the time has now come to tell that very story."

Tentatively, Number Five raised his hand."But Sir, we killed off all the good characters - even some that weren't actually supposed to die."

Number One silenced him with a withering stare. "Well, Iliad expert I only employed to prevent lawsuits, you may remember that we did not kill Paris. In fact, we went to great lengths not to kill Paris, despite what your precious "classic" had to say about the matter. The Odyssey will be all about Paris and his ten year journey home to Ithaca."

"Don't you mean Odysseus' journey?"

"Who? Oh, Boromir. Why would he be involved?"

"Well…the Odyssey…Odysseus. The King of Ithaca. The one who says "If they ever tell my story"….it just makes sense."

Number One blinked. "Sense? Is that like the way we made Briseis into a Trojan princess for no conceivable reason?"

"Ah, no, Sir, I think you're getting it confused with non-sense."

"Oh, very well." Number One sighed irritably "It will be about Odysseus. But Paris will come into it somewhere. He has to, otherwise the film won't sell. Odysseus is much less sexy."

"NOT TRUE!" said Athena, watching from Mount Olympus.

"I bet you even liked Boromir in the film we never speak of involving dwarves and other non p.c. characters!" laughed Number Three. He was promptly smitten. Smoted. Smited? Thunderbolted. Shaking their heads, Numbers One, Two, Four and Five continued their discussion.

And that was the discussion that led to the conversation that led to the meeting that, after numerous lawsuits, led to…..

**Ithaca**

(Inspired by Homer's Odyssey, but replacing its magic and gods with gritty realism).

Scene One. A boat.

Odysseus (singing): Ithaca, oh Ithaca, the land I call my home, where Penny spins and Telly runs and Argus bites his bone.

Henchman: Odysseus, there's something you should see.

_Three people are dragged onto the ship's deck._

Odysseus: Paris! Helen! Slave!

Henchman: Score! Sexy factor up 100!

Paris: Haha! We smuggled aboard! Who's the clever one now, eh?

Briseis: Paris, that is entirely the wrong attitude to be taking right now.

Helen: Oh, Odysseus, please don't rape us!

Paris: Especially not me!

Odysseus: Who do you take me for, Paris? Achilles? But you Helen, and you, worthless slave…you're the spoils of war. And the only Trojan woman I got to carry off was Hecuba! And then she turned into a dog! Although, she was already a bitch. Geddit?

Paris: That's my mother you're talking about, Greek scum!

Briseis: Paris, that is _entirely_ the wrong attitude to be taking right now!

Helen: Odysseus, we came to you because you are wise and noble, although a Greek.

Odysseus: Go on.

Helen: Also because the passage out of Troy was blocked. When my father tried to sell me to a husband in my girlhood, you, one of my suitors, stopped him and let me choose for myself. So I choose Menelaus, and became so unhappy that I ran off with Paris. So on reflection that was really stupid of you. So-

Odysseus: So, what you're saying is that I'm a good man, and the war was stupid, so I should protect you?

Helen: No, what I'm saying is that you were one of my suitors, so you obviously have the hots for me. So you'll help us.

Odysseus: Okay…although, I am married. To your cousin.

Briseis: Well, a second ago you were talking about raping us!

Odysseus: (continuing regardless) A wife whom I love. VERY MUCH!

Briseis: Hey, don't just ignore me!

Odysseus just ignores her 

Briseis: I'm a princess of Troy and a priestess of Apollo. DON'T JUST IGNORE ME!

Paris: Just ignore her. She's some deluded slave girl who thinks she's a princess and Achilles' soulmate.

Odysseus: _Achilles'_ soulmate? Is she hiding something under her robes?

Briseis: Why, yes! The dagger with which I stabbed and killed your king Agamemnon!

Odysseus (to Paris): But Agamemnon is alive.

Paris: Another of her delusions.

Odysseus (sighing): Well, I suppose you can stay on board.

In the next instalment (if people review and like this, if not I'll just retreat to a cave and sob):

**We meet Penny and Telly!**

**Paris and Helen share some screen time!**

**Odysseus and Helen share some screen time!**

**Odysseus and Briseis share some screen time!**

**We meet the Cyclops. But not a real Cyclops, obviously. Because they're not real. Obviously. This is just a man with one eye. **


	2. The Cicones

**Disclaimer 1: The opinions expressed in this fanfiction are in no way reflective of those of the Truelove and Truelove agency as a whole, but are merely those of one of its more deranged members. The agency will accept no responsibility for its treasurer's work.**

**Disclaimer 2: I don't own Troy. I don't even own the model of Troy I made out of Lego, because it was my sister's Lego. **

So, what have we got to look forward to in the next two chapters?

Well, I'll tell you now that we won't be meeting Polyphemus the Cyclops! We've got to do the Cicones and Lotus Eaters first. Only a fool would forget that! What do you mean, I promised? No I didn't! You calling me a liar? Where did I – Oh. Oh, I see. At the end of the last bit. Well…a contract made in haste is not legally binding!

OK, I admit it, I forgot the Cicones and Lotus Eaters. Then I wanted to leave out the Cicones, but I figured we needed a battle to promote gritty realism. Then I really wanted to leave out the Lotus Eaters, because drugs aren't funny. They're just not funny. Seriously, kids – don't do drugs. Heh.

Anyway, Cyclops chapter will be up in week, after I get back from holiday, and it will be better than these ones.

**Scene Two – Ithaca, Penelope's room**.

Penelope: How do I know that your father is coming back, Telemachus? Because he's brave, and daring, and the cleverest man I've ever met. And because he loves us. His mind will be set on coming home to be with us.

Telemachus: So that's why you won't marry any of the suitors!

Penelope: That - and their general ugliness.

Telemachus: But I thought you said that ugly people could be beautiful inside!

Penelope: Don't worry, darling, you'll grow into your nose. Ah Odysseus, come home to us!

_She gazes soulfully into the distance._

Telemachus: So –

Penelope: Telemachus! That soulful look was supposed to be the end of the scene!

Telemachus: What? So that's all we get? A bit about superficial stereotypes then BAM! Why?

Penelope: Oh Telly, you're a child. Everyone knows children can't sustain long periods of dialogue. Just consider the 'Home Alone' scrolls.

Telemachus: So when will we be back?

Penelope: Well, I'll have a few scenes near the middle of the story to show that I'm still alive whilst Odysseus is off sleeping with nymphs.

Telemachus: And when will I be back?

Penelope: When you're old enough to be played by Orlando Bloom. I mean…when you're older, and look just like Paris.

Telemachus: Paris?

Penelope: Well, I _am_ Helen's cousin and Paris _does_ get around.

**Scene three – the boat**

Henchman: Land!

Paris: Head for it, then!

Henchman: Um…where's Odysseus?

Paris: Asleep. Just head for the land.

Henchman: It looks like Thrace.

Paris: Your point?

Henchman: Probably Ismarus.

Paris: Your point?

Henchman: Home of the Cicones?

Paris: Your point?

Henchman: The _warlike _Cicones?

Paris: Your p- Ah, yes, I see. Superb, we could use a battle.

Henchman: The warlike Cicones who are said to be crazy and only worship one god!

Paris: One god? That'll never catch on.

Henchman: I'm speaking metaphorically! They're devoted to Ares, god of war!

Paris (becomes distracted and calls to Helen): Honey, have you seen my sword?

Helen (suggestively): Your _sword_? The _sword_ of _Troy_? Of course I've seen it!

Paris (failing to pick up on the innuendo): Well, where did I put it?

Helen (giggling): Ooh, Paris, I hardly think this is the place! Let's go to the cabin!

Paris (annoyed): So it's in the cabin? Seriously, Helen, I really need it. There's about to be fighting.

Helen: Oh! You mean the _sword_ of _Troy_! You gave it to that young man, Aneas, remember?

Paris: Why would I, Paris, prince of Troy, give the sword of Troy to …to some _kid_ just before the battle for the city?

_No one answers, as it makes no sense to anyone._

Henchman: OK, we're here! Let's get to pillaging!

_The pillage of Ismarus begins. It seems suspiciously similar to the sacking of Troy from the original movie, except with jauntier background music. We suspect that the producers have simply cut and pasted footage. We see a shot of Achilles, whom they have failed to airbrush out. We are now certain about the cut and pasting_.

Scene Four -the beach, later that night.

_The Greeks are partying. Music is playing. It sounds suspiciously like 'Summer Holiday', by Cliff Richard. But this is crazy talk. Cliff Richard wasn't alive then! Or was he? How old is Sir Cliff? _

Odysseus (exiting the boat after a suspiciously long sleep): Oh gods! Zeus! What in Hades are you doing?

Henchman: I can explain!

Odysseus: That is _not_ the way to do the hand-jive! (Taking in the situation) Ok, where are we? And what in _Hades_ are you doing?

Henchman: Don't be mad.

Odysseus: It's a medical condition, there's nothing I can do about it. But don't worry, I'm taking the pills (twitches). What is this?

Henchman: We kind of…pillaged Ismarus.

Odysseus: Home of the warlike Cicones!

Henchman (pointing to Paris): It was his idea! He told us to!

Odysseus: But why did you listen to him?

_Luckily, the scriptwriters are saved from having to invent any kind of reason, because at that moment the warlike Cicones plus allies pour onto the beach._

A Cicone. Ciconis? One of the Cicones: Attack!

Helen: What are we going to do!

Odysseus: I know, let's build a wooden horse!

Henchman: Dude, we used that one already. That's like your solution to everything!

Odysseus: OK, fine, we'll just have to fight them.

Henchman (mutters to himself): Need to get into Troy? Let's build a wooden horse! We're running out of food, let's build a wooden horse!

Odysseus: Get ready!

Henchman (continues muttering): We don't have any wood for the fire so let's build ourselves a frickin' wooden horse!

_The fight begins. It's hard to determine what's really going on, because of the spurty blood, less spurty sweat and invasive soundtrack. Somewhere in the melee, Odysseus wins a few well-choreographed fights and looks manly. Paris runs for the ship. Expendables are expended. Then Briseis emerges onto the ship's deck._

Briseis: I kill you like I kill Agamemnon!

_The Cicones stop fighting, momentarily stunned._

OOTC: But…Agamemnon is alive.

_The Greeks use the opportunity to board the ship and escape. The battle is over._

Scene Five -a cabin.

Paris: I'm such a coward!

Helen; Yup.

Paris: I just ran! I'm so pathetic. How can you love me? I'm pathetic, worthless –

Helen: Would you just quit whining? I wanted to grow old with you, not to be whined into an early grave!

_She stomps out onto the deck and joins Odysseus, who is gazing soulfully out into the night. _

Helen: Oh Odysseus, do you ever feel that every choice you've ever made has been the wrong one?

Odysseus: Totally. Like my hairstyle in National Treasure, I mean, you were in the movie, you saw it…

Helen: What are you talking about?

Odysseus (covering his mistake): I…have no idea.

Helen: I could have had any man I wanted, but I chose Menelaus, and look where it got me. I should have chosen someone braver, nobler, smarter. Someone more like you…

_There is a pause. A moment, if you will. An undeniable frisson in the air. Odysseus gazes intently at Helen's pretty little hands. We slowly realise he has not been listening to a word she's been saying. So like a man._

Odysseus (distracted): Say, Helen, that's a pretty ring.

Helen: What, this gold band? It's way old. Once I dropped it in the fire and it got these strange markings around it, too. Some ancient language, I guess.

Odysseus (narrowing his eyes): You don't say…

In the next instalment:

**Will Odysseus succumb to the power of the one ring?**

**Sorry…**

**We do drugs. And by do I mean cover, kids. Discuss.**

**Briseis and Odysseus finally get that screen time I promised them. OK, Briseis, now put the knife down…**

AN

Thankyou, Queen Arwen, for being my first reviewer and making me happy. I read your Haunted by Bliss story. Wow. Sorry to use my own fanficiton as a shameless way of asking you to continue yours, but please do!


	3. The Lotus Eaters

**Disclaimer 1: The opinions expressed in this fanfiction are in no way reflective of those of the Truelove and Truelove agency as a whole, but are merely those of one of its more deranged members. The agency will accept no responsibility for its treasurer's work.**

**Disclaimer 2: I don't own Troy. I lost it in a bet.**

**Scene Six – same old boat, night**

Henchman: We've reached land!

Odysseus: OK, we can explore in the morning, it's too dangerous now. G'night.

_He goes into his cabin._

Henchman: Huh, too dangerous, I'll show him!

Paris: I'm not going to do what any Greek-boy tells me to do!

Briseis: Yeah, we're Trojans!

Helen: Well, I'm not – my accent indicates that I'm of Germanic origins – but if you two are going, I'm going too!

_They get off the boat and run slap-bang into a Lotus Eater_

LE: Woah, zowie, what a weird trip.

Henchman: Who are you? Where are w-

LE: Woah, like, slow down. Have some Lotus.

_He offers his Lotus around._

Helen (suspicious): What will it do?

LE: It's great. It'll calm you down, man.

Helen (frightened): Man? You think I'm a man? I look like a man to you? Is it the hair, the dress? Zeus, I'm supposed to me the most beautiful woman in the world! HOW CAN YOU THINK I'M A MAN!

Paris: Calm her down, you say?

Scene Seven – the Lotus Eaters' camp 

_Lotus Eaters lie around in various states of stupor._

Odysseus: So, have you seen them? I'd be happy to leave them here, but one of the women is my wife's cousin, so I need to get her back. Not because she's the most beautiful woman in the world, or anything. That has so little to do with this.

LE: Sure, man, have some Lotus.

Odysseus: No thanks, I'm off the stuff. Totally. So totally. OK, just one bite. OK, now where are they?

LE: Over there, brother.

_Odysseus finds Paris, Helen, Briseis and the Henchman sprawled on the ground._

LE: They're hallucinating. Whatever they say, man, it's a complete hallucination with no basis in fact or classical mythology, OK?

Helen: Hermione! My daughter! I'm so happy to see you again! Zowie!

Henchman: A name! I have a name! Eurylochus! I'm Eurylochus! Man!

LE: Some of their hallucinations will be seriously weird.

Paris: Blonde hair! I have BLONDE HAIR!

Odysseus: So, I guess they'll be fine.

LE: Sure, man, totally.

Odysseus: You know, it's just occurred to me that if, for the sake of argument, kids were watching this – on a film, let's say, for argument's sake – they'd probably be getting the message that doing drugs was fun and cool.

LE: Reckon so.

Odysseus: OK, so to avoid lawsuits – in this hypothetical situation, that is – could you just tell the hypothetical kids about the terrible side affects associated with Lotus?

LE: Oh yeah, man. Don't even get me started on the constipation. And sometimes the hallucinations aren't so nice.

Briseis: Oh gods, I thought I was a princess but I'm just a slave-girl! Just a pathetic slave-girl!

Odysseus: Interesting. OK, we should be going.

LE: Sure you won't stay for some Lotus, man?

Odysseus: FYI, I'm Odysseus. I, like, invented the wooden horse. Well, I copyrighted it, anyway. And that little horse the guy was carving looked nothing like MY wooden horse, OK? Anyway, my basic point is, I'm smart. Smart people don't do drugs. (He turns to face the sea and, COMPLETELY COINCIDENTALLY, the camera). Remember that, kids…anyway (he turns back to the Lotus Eater) like I said, I'm off the stuff.

**Scene Eight – back in the good old cabin**

Paris: And I just can't help feeling that I should have died at Troy.

Helen: That's just the Lotus talking.

Paris: No, I felt like this before. Besides, the Lotus only made me hallucinate that I had long blonde hair, wore green and had a strange affinity with really short people. I really should be dead! I know it!

Helen: Oh honey, I've heard about this. It's called survivors' guilt. You feel guilty because you caused the deaths of thousands of men, including your brother and father, and didn't suffer yourself. In fact, maybe that's not survivors' guilt. Maybe that's just regular well-deserved guilt.

Paris: No, no, no, I mean that I feel as if I'm living on borrowed time. Like the sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. How is Damocles, I wonder? Anyway, what I mean is, it's like a voice in my head is whispering "Why are you still vertical?" Like I should be dead and you should be with Menelaus.

Helen: That's crazy talk! When do couples in love not live happily ever after? Let's say for argument's sake that our lives were made into stories – epic poems, say, for the sake of argument – do you think anyone would read them if I got back together with Menelaus? No one wants to hear that!

Paris: But –

Helen: Remember we spoke about the whining?

**Scene Nine – another cabin**

Odysseus enters his cabin and Briseis jumps out at him from behind the door.

Briseis: Die, Greek scum!

Odysseus: Garg!

Briseis: OK, you've won me over with your rugged charm and nobility – let's do it!

Odysseus: No, I –

Briseis: What is it? Your male lover? I mean _cousin_, wink-wink, nudge-nudge.

Odysseus: No, my wife – I made a vow to her.

Briseis: So? I made a vow to Apollo to remain his virgin priestess or condemn myself to a horrific death, and, well…let's just say I'm still a priestess.

Odysseus: I guess you're not Apollo's favourite person right now, then?

Briseis: Well, Achilles chopped the head off his statue and nothing happened to _him_.

Odysseus (reasonably): Well, he is technically _dead_ now…

Briseis: Yeah, but he was just a warrior. I'm a priestess. And a princess. And the killer of the evil Agamemnon. Phew, I'm glad the Lotus wore off. I was hallucinating that I was just a slave-girl. Thank Zeus _that's_ not true.

Odysseus: Um…yeah…

In the next instalment:

We meet a guy with one eye! Otherwise known as Polyphemus. Otherwise known as….the Cyclops. Woo woo woo!


End file.
